The pursuit of happiness

So, the new year has come and gone. I've started a new job, and it already feels as though I've been working for ages and ages.

Initially I was quite ok with the job...now, I don't know. Working in government is interesting at best, frustrating at worst - and a whole lot of other things in between that's best not mentioned.

I've moved cities - Johannesburg really isn't the prettiest city in our country. But you're either of the hate it/love it school.

I don't hate it...but I don't completely love it either. Best described as a stop-gap; for me at least.

I've discovered a few places I like, and a few more I've yet to visit, so it ain't all bad.

Street performers remain a favourite - and a I came across an acrobatic troupe at one of the (numerous) malls in the area.


Soccer fever has grabbed the country (well, it's intensified); with the world cup kicking off in just over 100 days!

Johannesburg isn't as green as other places...can't really expect much from the busiest city in SA can you? But if you look long, and hard enough there are mini-retreats.

Like the zoo...not a big fan of zoos, but they have their uses. And a break away is one of them!

I'm mostly coping with changes. At times I'm most frustrated and this past week has been one of the worst. But it is now done! And I'm happier for it.

Right now I'm thinking of a plan, need to put it in to action.

In the meantime... I remain in the pursuit of happiness

Bravery by any other name

Bravery by any other name = stupidity.

End of story.
No two ways about it!

So - I've set aside a year or so to work and travel. Getting valuable experience and getting to see a small part of the globe in the process.

I've embarked on this journey on my lonesome. I read an article in some magazine couple weeks ago about how travelling in groups is such a big pain. But the one thing worse is travelling alone. I wasn't particularly happy at the time and reading that was like guaranteed to cause an added slump to an already down and out mood.

Haven't done much travelling yet - been doing the work part to get money to do the travel part. And every time I tell somebody what it is I'm doing the inevitable 'you're so brave, I'd never be able to do it' follows.

And? Your point is what exactly?

Leaving behind your support system, going to a foreign place - alone - is overwhelming!

I can assure you that is an understatment.

I may appear to be coping but am I really? If I don't get on and do things it'll never get done. I strive for perfection as far as possible and don't like feeling chaotic, unorganised and all over the place...i.e. the way I've been feeling for most of this week.

Add crappy accommodation and you can be certain this week has not been the best. The sun was shining for most - that was the one bonus!

I'm not going to lie and say I haven't found it difficult. Geez - it's one of the most difficult things I've done to date. My benchmark is still my community service year - which I survived in more or less one piece. But the past few months, have in some ways been easier and in others been more difficult when compared to comm.serve.

Seriously - what insane person traipses across the globe - very very very far away from home on her own - knowing! she doesn't do the whole make friends easily thing?

It's not even that I miss my family all that much - I've been out the house a good few years already. But add a foreign place, not knowing how things work, where to find things (the list is practically never-ending) and I can't help but feel off kilter and desperately wanting to be somewhere familiar where I know how things work! (and ideally have mommy dearest to run to for advice! because I can't tell my parents the whole truth can I? It's not like they can do anything to make it better from across the globe. All that will happen is a few words of encouragment and then extra worry on their end about the fact that they can't do a thing to make it better!)

So - I could always get on a plane back home.
BUT I can't.
Or rather I won't. Not yet.
Not until I've given things a proper go.

People who call me brave don't know the underlying feeling of idiocy I have on a fairly regular basis.

If nothing else (although it's already been a whole lot more) I have learned that I need space. And sunshine.

And that I can go to a strange place where I've never been before and get around and find what I need (map in hand of course!).

I've also realised there is no certainty about anything. Ambivalence has featured strongly. Happy on the one hand, sad on the other - about the same thing!

It sometimes feels as though I don't know what it is I want. And I'm sure from the outside people will think WTF? What is she on about, she has it good. She's getting to travel blah blah blah, fill in the blanks as you wish.

This time round I think I've done quite well. Naaaaish shared apartment for the next two months in the city centre. Found within a week of coming to a new city (mostly because of aforementioned crappy accommodation). Also, after having one day of been shown 'here are things' ; on day two expecting to take on full case load - scarce proper induction! - a feeling of complete inadequacy on day three (with a mini melt-down) and by day four and five feeling a little more in control and on top of things (en nie meer soos 'n afkop hoender nie!) - I deserve a congrats. You've survived week one!

One thing I do know is that despite too many, sometimes conflicting emotions, I do not regret making this decision.

The one thing...

The one thing I loathe most is packing!

I cannot pack!

There is always always something else that needs to be put in! And you would think with all the moving I've done I'd be a packing champ.... but alas. :( I just end up looking like a pack horse!

Take today...moved up (or is it down? whatever) from Derby to Birmingham. Was hoping to do it all in one go but quickly realised that one not gonna happen.

Got my backpack sorted out - hugeass & heavy, I could actually carry it! So that was fine....let's not forget laptop & couple books I've accumulated - though many have already been sent home.

And then...this is the one time being female irritates me the most! I mean it's the hairdryer and the straightener and the shampoo and conditioner and face products and body lotion and and and! It's just tooo much!

And what does a guy need - showergel, lotion, antiperspirant, razor & shaving cream.
Fin!

All this crap one needs takes up space! And let's not forget - adds weight & bulk!

(and no, being filthy and not blowdrying my hair is not an option! i ain't scary spice thanks much.)

THEN - work stuff. Argh! and paperwork and documentation I need to keep...all takes up space!

All these extras resulted in a 3-way journey...unnecessary money spent on extra travel but ok.

But I guess I do deserve a break - I have been in one place for four months...and the rate of accumulation the minute one is stationary (even temporarily) is incredulous. Admittedly, I did go a tad overboard on dvd purchases:P...but I did get rid of all the cases and bought CD wallets!

Get to Birmingham...and it's a beeeeg city! WHOOP WHOOP! Second largest in the UK and all...
Too many shops! Not good for my plans, my pocket and my poor back!

I will try to be good. Not making any promises though.

The difference between Derby and Birmingham is immediately apparent - but that is to be expected. Haven't seen all that much yet - but feel more 'at home' if you wish - here than I did in Derby.

Being a tourist alone won't be considered that strange a thing. Sometimes felt a tad conspicous in Derby...

Here for work - new experience - kinda stressed as it'll be a big change fron adults to paediactrics! But - I'll rise to meet it!

And I swear...when it's time to leave here - I'm going to have to be far more ruthless with what stays, what goes, what gets chucked, what gets donated and what gets excessed baggaged home!

But I stick to if I didn't have to pack for two seasons (summer and winter...or make that winter and winter :/ :P ) and I didn't have to pack for two purposes (work AND travel) I know my luggage would be a whole lot less!

Change

I can confidently state that the one thing that has been constant to date has been change.

In some form, it's always there and seems to be the one thread sewing together the moments in my life.

I prefer to have things stay the same (doesn't everyone); I like the familiar; but I've also found I have a low boredom threshold! So where does that leave me?

For the past four months I've been in Derby... not much to do in Derby. Did all the touristy stuff in like a weekend and then was over it. Getting to outlying areas not so easy with the public transport system here. And work well, work I was over by like month two.

And tomorrow is my last day!
And Monday it's new job, totally different slant...
And a new city!

Apprehensive, excited, nervous...though I think the ruling one here is excitement...at seeing a different city! A bigger city...with more stuff to do! (actively choosing to avoid stressing about work.)

Nothing is ever smooth sailing but this bumpy roller-coaster ride is alright enough of the time.

I'm slowly settling into the crap weather in this country - and a plan is slowly forming.
Something to work towards is always good.

But right now... I need to do the one thing I loathe and despite having to do often, I've still not mastered....

packing!

Weddings, Sunshine & the tedium of work

So i went home a week and a bit ago for my best friend's wedding...and it was great!

Always great seeing family and catching up with friends! Couldn't have come at a more opportune time too. The apparent spring - or lack there of - was starting to get to me.

My BFF looked stunning...as bride's tend to...and the bridesmaids were gorgeous too! Not your usual nobody liking the bridesmaid's dresses at all...

Of course I was one:p

One scandalous thing - uhm we were late...not the bride! No real fault of our own though, in my case the silly hairdresser only started my hair 30min after scheduled time! Got back to start getting dressed 15min before wedding was due to start! Crazy I tell you...the rest of the day was without incident...until the reception...well, was without incident but the bridesmaid & groomsmen table was a bit of a scandal....5 bottles of champagne....for all too see...hehe

Found out later that the mother-in-law commented and said someone is going home with someone at that table...LOL! (which btw wasn't the case...and anyway, the one groomsmen had his fiance sitting at the table...so maybe someone did go home with somebody else after all:p)

The weather was superb! Sunshine and blue skies...a typical SA summer day - despite it apparently being autumn!

Global warming I tell ya!

The entire time back home the weather was great...worked on trying to get some colour to my oh-so-deprived lack of it-successfully! The mini-break away from work was awesome...any time away from work is always good ain't it?

Got back to the UK just before the bank holiday...weekend in London...to more great weather! WHOOP WHOOP! Caught up with some friends, again - always good!

Didn't really wanna come back here to Derby....but I did. Back at work for 2 days now and I wish I wasn't... not that it's overly busy or anything...I've just become a bit bored! (I'm beginning to wonder about my rapid tendency towards boredom at work but in anycase) Plus great weather! Wasting it by being stuck indoors at work! At least the sun only sets around 9 now so can still make something of the rest of the day....today I decided this is officially beach weather - not too hot, not too cold, at times a light breeze - perfect...no beach here though!

The rest of Europe beckons - LOUDLY! I really need to sort myself out soon...but the whole need money - what do you need to do to get money - work! So, it's a means to an end! And not too long before this contract is over. No idea what next...maybe another mini-break...I'm on a work TRAVEL visa after all!


Here's to continual sunshine!

yeah yeah...you can see me loves the sun:p

Random thoughts

I've not really been up to much lately. And it's been endlessly frustrating!

Not so much because I don't want to - but because of the much needed commodity that is worth oh so little! money! saving for a plane ticket back home so soon... oi. and as a result - curbing my activities on this side. oh well...

once i'm back...

and this weather... spring. apparently! at least it's lighter for longer and the sun shines even when there's icy winds and bouts of rain.

i do hope spring comes proper - soon! i need to wear slops! tired of closed shoes already and having to layer... *sigh*
and the funny thing is - i'm a foreigner - but the locals complain about the weather too...

work...work is well work. i'm basically doing general medicine. different from last year - since it's more hands on and i'm actually used and consulted and i'm definitely learning lots.

the one thing that's remained constant however, is death. i guess, the saying the surest things in life are death and taxes is true.

last year the death i saw in the hospital i worked at was mostly hiv related. affecting everyone - male/female; young/old.

now, it's old people. the wards i'm covering is essentially medicine for the elderly...and oi. it's a tough one sometimes. what do you do when people just refuse to eat. point blank. they won't - even if they're able. what to do when someone's at the end of their life? and you know intervention is pointless really. thankfully - this is not a decision i have to make. however, what to write in the medical folders? doctors make the decision and then i say what? noted. input as required? when i know input will not be required again?

it's a sense of sense of helplessness and feeling as though i'm not doing all i can - when in actual fact - i'm doing exactly all i can do - since doing more will just be foolish.

i guess it's the whole - not really wanting to contemplate death. when death is very much part of life and nothing to be afraid of - as a young person this is not so easy to accept.

one patient i'm dealing with is not meeting her requirements orally - but has been refusing artificial support. she finally agreed but couldn't go through with it. when i spoke to her about it again - she burst into tears. what could i do but stand there feeling utterly helpless. words of sympathy would be pointless. so i just stood there until she'd composed herself. what she said - right now - i feel as though i'd rather not eat ever again. i said that she knows this won't help her condition much....and this was when she burst into tears...because i guess the realisation that it means death is overwhelming. i only realised what i actually said after having said it and by that time it was a little to late to retract. when i looked at her details again i noted she was my mom's age. death - so young - would bring anyone to tears i guess.

i didn't like seeing people last year - and knowing they are on their death beds due to the dreaded virus. i still don't like seeing death now - even though many people are in their 70s/80s/90s so have lived long lives (if not also full ones).

makes me wonder where my niche in my field is - still figuring that one out!

All in a Day's Work

Yep...reminescent of the reader's digest...except this ain't all that funny.

It's been 2 weeks now that I'm here in Derby for work. Sometimes I feel like I've been faking it a little bit. But I guess that's just got to do with having to get back into the swing of actually doing things correctly and thoroughly. And knowing that I will get referrals and my input is important. This is a refreshing difference from last year - but it also means I need to do some bonding with a textbook again:p - which has been happening sporadically...

Getting used to how things work here, where's what, how referrals happen, how to go about ordering what I need etc etc etc - typical start of new job stuff.

One thing I have been stressing about is tube feeding! The last time I did any form of tube feeding was back at varsity - and even then it wasn't the most hands-on experience. Last year really was limited regarding work experience...anyway! Straying off the topic.

So, today, I get my first tube feeding referral. I was like 'Oh help!' Did a student tut last week just as a refresher so of course I know what to do - but a tut vs. actual patient - always 2 very different things. Had other patients to see on the ward - saw them. Spoke to the patient who was to be started on the tube feed. Didn't quite hear all he had to say, 1. he had an oxygen mask on, 2. speaking softly and I still need to get used to the many different accents around here!

Check the doctor's notes, clarify a few points, tell the nurse I'll be back with enteral regimen just need to check a few things with supervisor. Go back to the office, chat to supervisor - discuss what I'd thought of doing. Mostly right - gave alternate options I'd not thought of. Cool.

It's now around lunch...decided to give the regimen before breaking. Back to the ward...go find the doctor to ask about checking some bloods...and then the doctor tells me 'The patient has expired.'

I was like seriously? I mean, I'd spoken to the gentleman not even an hour ago...and checked on him with a nurse like 20/30min previously before I went back to the office. I find a nurse - just to double check - and was told he died 10min ago!

Now, I'm aware that this is not at all funny...but I really could not help the desire to start laughing - at the incredulity of the situation!

And anyway...what doctor speaks of a patient expiring???

Go grab lunch...tell my supervisor patient died. She burst out laughing...so I felt less bad after that. I guess it's just one of those things. She then said at least it was practice - true.

Head back to the ward after lunch - to pick up new referrals - find out that patient died on the commode.

Not a very dignified way to die.

I don't think anyone was expecting this gentleman to die today. The doctors saw him on their ward round and discussed tube feeding with him and everything...but I guess it's all part of the job!

Settling in...

Hmmm...

Settling in here in Derby....

I'm still trying to decide how I feel about actually being in Derby. Once again, I find myself in a situation similar to the one I was in last year.

With one distinct difference - NOT being in the bush:p

I'm in a foreign place (in a foreign country!) for work. Venturing into the unknown can sometimes be a very scary experience. Coming to a place on your own, where you know no-one, don't know what to do, don't know how to get there, not being as mobile as what you'd like...scary.

I STILL think I'm insane for doing this ALL on MY OWN! I've been called brave - sometimes I think it's more like stupidity disguised as bravery...but I've realised that I guess I am brave. Venturing out on my own. Gaining new experiences, seeing new places...all will just enhance my life journey.

I was chatting to my colleagues one lunch, asking what there is to do here in Derby seeing as, as far as I could see I've covered the tourist activities here. I was told.... 'the train station - to get you out of Derby!'

I burst out laughing when they told me this - but I guess it's true. Beyond the Cathedral - a beautiful church, like so many others - this one particularly known for Bess of Hardwick..some relation to the Tudors somewhere along the line. It's her resting place.

Then there's the museum. I guess it is a good museum - it has bits of everything and some amazing artwork by Joseph Wright but, for me, it pales in comparison to the museums I went to in London. I'm aware it's an unfair comparison, but one I've made nonetheless.

And that's it. No more tourist activities. Apparently there's a transport museum...I'll still see if I feel like going there.

Outside of Derby...well, that seems like a whole other story. There's Nottingham 30min away by bus...keen to see what's there - been told it's bigger and has more shops etc than Derby. Not that Derby is lacking in that department - it has all the shops and department stores you need.

There's also an airport close by...that flies to places in Europe...ideal for weekends away...Schengen visa....here I come! :)

With settling in comes things like admin..trying to sort out change of address, and random things - like getting wages on time! Can't do anything without money can I? Money, money, money...hate it/love it...always needed!

Still trying to figure out where I fit in here. It comes with time I guess...

Work...work's been ok so far. Will be learning lots. In the process of finding my feet there too.

Needless to say - there's more to life than work. So even though I'm here for work, and still don't know what to do where, how etc etc etc as soon as I'm able I'll be planning trips all over! I am on a working HOLIDAY visa after all:p

Derby

Now that I'm done playing catch-up...

Derby...I'm still in the process of forming my opinion on this place. I came to the UK to get work experience (and of course travel! - can't travel without moola tho!) and it looks like I'll be getting the experience I've been wanting so badly.

I've been really worried about actually working as a dietician! I mean HOW was i ever going to remember everything I studied and not practiced for the past year.

As usual, my fears were not based on anything substantial. I guess it is true what they say - you don't forget something you've been taught...just need to jog your memory. And that's what's been done over the last few days. Very grateful I've been eased in slowly.

I still think I'm totally crazy for doing this insane endeavour on my own! I mean, seriously, who just ups and goes to a foreign country where they don't know a soul! Don't know the culture! Don't know a thing!

Insanity aside...I have been having a blast! But who would've thought that after just 3 weeks I'll be missing London!
I do think that city is HUGE and super extra busy and full of people but it has this vibe about it that I grew accustomed to...and I think it's that vibe I'm now missing. It definitely does appear to be a slightly slower lifestyle here even though it's still very much a city.

I guess part of the reason I've been missing London is all the things there is to do there! The history of that city amazes me. There is a ton of stuff I still have to do there! Am so organising weekends back there...soon as I can afford to that is :/

Also miss the people I met in the youth hostel even though I was there for such a short time. Back to it just being me. My flatmate is pretty cool though - and she's shown me around a bit. My colleagues are cool too... but it's like any new place - everyone has their routine and you need to figure out where you slot in.

Furthermore...not working for two months...and now having to get back int the swing of things....hmmm:/ I guess that's also part of the adjustment I now have to make! Will have to leave all the touristy things to weekends. Getting places here doesn't seem as easy as it did in London. Or, maybe it's because I no longer have people around to give me advice...the advice of the friends I was staying with in London has been invaluable! Really made things so much easier...

With all these adjustments I've had to make in such a short space of time - I guess that's why I'm feeling a tad offish the last few days!

But hey! I've got what seems like will be a really great job, working along side great people...just need to find my feet a bit...which I guess I can't really expect after only 5 days in a place!

I also have awesome friends & family and people who know me...who have the confidence in me that I occasionally lack in myself! And don't forget my online buddies...who inspire me, broaden my horizons and seem to think I'm a great person even though it's only ever been virtual interaction...

anyway...over and out from yet another Saffa in the UK

The reason I came...

26/02/2008

So, essentially the main reason I have come overseas is now upon me!

I start work tomorrow! After 2 months of not working and a year of which any new experience I gained in the field was obtained within the first 3 months of last year - to say I'm nervous would be an understatement...

Future gg has become present gg...

I have - sort of - adopted the policy of not really stressing until I actually need to because it gets me nowhere.

These past few weeks, actually, since the start of this year - so much has been undertaken in a nearly unplanned fashion. SO unlike me! I'd prefer to know exactly what's going to happen, when, how and prepare for any eventuality

But the nature of my dream and what I've undertaken doesn't allow for that. The only way I can do things is one day at a time. At the most one week at a time.

OHMYGOSH! Getting here was a pain. Literally and figuratively...my legs and my hands and and and..all sore.. little ol' me with way too much baggage! I really am grateful for all the random strangers who helped me lug all my stuff up stairs and down stairs at the tube stations.

To say i loathe packing would be the understatement of the century! If I had a magic wand to elevate everything in front of me..or better yet - the ability to teleport - it would make my life SO MUCH easier...

And it's not like it's stuff I don't need! Ok, so I did some shopping..books...my weakness! and books take up space and definitely aren't light. And don't forget the much needed textbooks! And of course all my paperwork and what not that's necessary that's been accumulated. ALL needed but such a pain to transport.

Derby!

I don't know hey...

very much a city with things available...but not like London. It's not small town but it's not a concrete jungle either...on the way here saw cattle and horses and green country side...clear indication moving out of London.

And I'm so back to being a foot soldier. Oi... closest shop - that's not going to rip me off and charge me £1 for a trolley! is 20min walk away... with groceries...uh. can see how that is not going to be friendly. But that's what backpacks are for. And if I'm here long enough maybe a bicycle.

The flat - very cool. Spacious room, spacious lounge area. On the top floor of 3 - scarce lift! So i had to lug everything upstairs... it is at times like these when I wonder - why did i do this alone??? BUT only at times such as these.

Will be settled here for a while... at least the next 3months... the problem with accumulating anything is that ultimately I'm going to have to transport it! I've already had issues! Imagine more stuff...a nee a!

Tomorrow = work! :S Here's hoping it all goes well and it's as good as what I'm hoping it'll be