Random thoughts

I've not really been up to much lately. And it's been endlessly frustrating!

Not so much because I don't want to - but because of the much needed commodity that is worth oh so little! money! saving for a plane ticket back home so soon... oi. and as a result - curbing my activities on this side. oh well...

once i'm back...

and this weather... spring. apparently! at least it's lighter for longer and the sun shines even when there's icy winds and bouts of rain.

i do hope spring comes proper - soon! i need to wear slops! tired of closed shoes already and having to layer... *sigh*
and the funny thing is - i'm a foreigner - but the locals complain about the weather too...

work...work is well work. i'm basically doing general medicine. different from last year - since it's more hands on and i'm actually used and consulted and i'm definitely learning lots.

the one thing that's remained constant however, is death. i guess, the saying the surest things in life are death and taxes is true.

last year the death i saw in the hospital i worked at was mostly hiv related. affecting everyone - male/female; young/old.

now, it's old people. the wards i'm covering is essentially medicine for the elderly...and oi. it's a tough one sometimes. what do you do when people just refuse to eat. point blank. they won't - even if they're able. what to do when someone's at the end of their life? and you know intervention is pointless really. thankfully - this is not a decision i have to make. however, what to write in the medical folders? doctors make the decision and then i say what? noted. input as required? when i know input will not be required again?

it's a sense of sense of helplessness and feeling as though i'm not doing all i can - when in actual fact - i'm doing exactly all i can do - since doing more will just be foolish.

i guess it's the whole - not really wanting to contemplate death. when death is very much part of life and nothing to be afraid of - as a young person this is not so easy to accept.

one patient i'm dealing with is not meeting her requirements orally - but has been refusing artificial support. she finally agreed but couldn't go through with it. when i spoke to her about it again - she burst into tears. what could i do but stand there feeling utterly helpless. words of sympathy would be pointless. so i just stood there until she'd composed herself. what she said - right now - i feel as though i'd rather not eat ever again. i said that she knows this won't help her condition much....and this was when she burst into tears...because i guess the realisation that it means death is overwhelming. i only realised what i actually said after having said it and by that time it was a little to late to retract. when i looked at her details again i noted she was my mom's age. death - so young - would bring anyone to tears i guess.

i didn't like seeing people last year - and knowing they are on their death beds due to the dreaded virus. i still don't like seeing death now - even though many people are in their 70s/80s/90s so have lived long lives (if not also full ones).

makes me wonder where my niche in my field is - still figuring that one out!