The pursuit of happiness

So, the new year has come and gone. I've started a new job, and it already feels as though I've been working for ages and ages.

Initially I was quite ok with the job...now, I don't know. Working in government is interesting at best, frustrating at worst - and a whole lot of other things in between that's best not mentioned.

I've moved cities - Johannesburg really isn't the prettiest city in our country. But you're either of the hate it/love it school.

I don't hate it...but I don't completely love it either. Best described as a stop-gap; for me at least.

I've discovered a few places I like, and a few more I've yet to visit, so it ain't all bad.

Street performers remain a favourite - and a I came across an acrobatic troupe at one of the (numerous) malls in the area.


Soccer fever has grabbed the country (well, it's intensified); with the world cup kicking off in just over 100 days!

Johannesburg isn't as green as other places...can't really expect much from the busiest city in SA can you? But if you look long, and hard enough there are mini-retreats.

Like the zoo...not a big fan of zoos, but they have their uses. And a break away is one of them!

I'm mostly coping with changes. At times I'm most frustrated and this past week has been one of the worst. But it is now done! And I'm happier for it.

Right now I'm thinking of a plan, need to put it in to action.

In the meantime... I remain in the pursuit of happiness

Imminent Homecoming

My time in the UK has come to an end.

After eighteen months, surviving shitty weather, awesome travel experiences and gaining new interests I am headed back home.

Change is never easy, despite it being constant. And I've experienced many changes of the past eighteen months. Least of all, growing as an individual.

I've been asked a number times now what I think of the UK - the time to leave it fast approaching (the time being tomorrow!).

My reply has been:

I don't like the weather. Because I don't! It's iffy at best...and just about mildly warm in summer. Right now, it's raining. And cold. And the same temperatures as it is back home where it's winter. But back home...there is sunshine! The Brits cannot deal with temperature extremes. Apparently 25 centigrade is a heat wave (summer, as those in the Southern Hemisphere would call it, lasting all of about 2 weeks this year) and when it snows, London comes to a standstill. Case in point: London in February this year when the UK had their heaviest snowfall in however many years it was. No buses, no tube, no train, major delays at the airports... ridiculous really.

I made the decision months ago that I'll be headed home. And I'm happy I've made it. As much as there's plenty of opportunities here in the UK - like going to Paris for a weekend if you so wish - it's not all about earning pounds. Although money does make the world plod along, there's more to life than just that.

Back to what I think of the UK...

It's been good. I've learned lots and successfully accomplished my goals upon entering the country a year and a half ago - gain work experience and travel.

I've more than successfully accomplished them! And I've gained two new loves :)

[side note: you know it's time to return home when you start complaining about a public transport that works...when your country of origin barely has one that functions. Bring on a car...I miss driving!]

How I feel about returning home...excitement and dread.

Starting from scratch is not something I relish (nor is living at home again, even if interim), but it is something that needs doing. All part of my choice and right now I have no idea how things are going to work out, but I trust that they will.

More change.

My one constant.

I've mentioned time and again - the travel bug, it's bitten. And I have the opportunity I've had to live and work in the UK to thank for that. This experience has just filled my mind with 'travel goals'... now, just to figure out how to get the goals out of my head, and into reality.

I've been blessed and fortunate in my time here.

Cheers England.

Shades of Grey

This all started with me sharing this link- an article by David Moseley - with some of my nearest and dearest.

I shared it because it's funny! And because some of what he's said rings true; what with seeing all and sundry, friends and friends of friends getting married - thanks to photos and status updates on facebook!

I got a nudge nudge wink wink, what are you trying to say...

My reply:

I'm sharing a funny article and no nudging or winking!

Sharing the article was somewhat case-in-point when a day or so later, I received a friend request from a now married high school friend!

I then dared comment and say that it looks like I will meet my record for being in a relationship with being single... and THEN I was told to stop wanting things that are obviously not meant for me right now.

I was fuming when I read this... and I've been trying to figure out why.

It is not about wanting what I cannot have. I was delivering commentary on my life as I see it - having gone from serial monogamist to terminally single (which is possibly another form of serial monogamy albeit with myself; but that's neither here nor there, and a topic I choose not to dig in to very often or share over the interwebz).

This change in relationship status was at first by choice, then by circumstance and now...it's whatever.

I digress.

It's not that I don't want to be in a relationship.

But it's also not like I'm sitting around waiting for some man to - heaven forbid - 'complete me.'

If I ever get to this stage - ever - I give permission to whoever to have me shot!

I have learned - or come to realise - that one can not be completed by another human being. You need to be whole by yourself, relying on someone else to make you whole is looking for disaster.

I have never been of the opinion that you need another person to complete you - be this person a significant other or a friend. Everyone has their own plans and lives to live; waiting around for someone is letting life pass you by.

I chose to embark on an overseas adventure by myself. There is no way I will ever regret this choice.

Further commentary delivered by of my nearest and dearest after I said that it's not about hunkering after something that I know is not likely to happen anywhere in the near future:

"That is what I meant. Great for the married people, but you are travelling Europe and how many of the married people can claim they've done the same thing. You should take a moment to think that perhaps you are the lucky one - that your married friends are envious that you had the guts to go out there and experience something they only thought about or dreamt about. Travel makes you see the world differently and not only because you left the motherland but because you meet people you wouldn't meet in day to day living, you experience things, and food and cultures you wouldn't at the bottom of Africa. Marriage changes you, and not just because you're married but because you now have responsibilities you've not had before."

I'm not disagreeing with any of this!

I have met people in my travels who have not left their home country - and have no desire to either. This train of thought completely baffles me.

However, in the end, it's their choice.

For one person, a house, a car and financial security is important; for me - spending my money on seeing a small corner of the globe I can currently afford to see is important.

Who am I to judge someone because they prefer to know where they will be five years from now when I currently don't even have a six MONTH plan?

For me it's not about the grass being greener on the other side (and wanting what you can't have, or don't have) - because I don't really think it is.

It is about recognising, or perhaps realising, that life is not black and white - but rather shades of grey ad infinitum!

You may be happy with what you have, but of course there will be times when you can't help but wonder what if.

This is human nature - there's no point in fighting it. Acknowledge it, think about it, and get on with living because life is not going to wait for you to decide now is the moment I will do the one thing I have always wanted to - especially when you've already had numerous opportunities to do it.

What is it that's forever being thrown around: Life is what happens when you're making other plans!

A mountain out of a molehill?

Today's been one of those days.

Feeling out of sorts.

I was chatting to a friend about my imminent return home and I tell you - it's stressing me out. I didn't realise to what degree until I'd actually verbalised it. So clearly my subconscious must be working over time (again! *sigh*)

People are forever commenting about how small I am, becomes quite a drag really - but for someone who's so 'dinky' - most recent description - I think an awful lot.

I'm happy with my decision to return home, and I am looking forward to it. In the same breath, there are so many decision to be made before I actually get there.

I've been travelling alone -there've been off days and lonely times but overall it's been fantastic.

Before embarking on my travels I've not really been engaged in anything permanent.

Being a student - one of the least permanent things.
Travelling - same thing.

A gypsy is something else I've been called - I don't feel like one, but I certainly have been nomadic.

The permanence of my decision to head home is freaking me out. The responsibilities that will go along with all of this. I don't feel ready for it.

Starting from scratch - to say it's a daunting task looming on the horizon will be an understatement.

My friend told that it's exciting - I conceded that it may be, but that this doesn't make it any less scary.

Coming overseas, to a foreign, alone was a less frightening experience! And I think that says a lot.

I remember before heading to the UK that I was starting to doubt my decision - I refused to voice these doubts to anyone because I was not about to be talked out of my decision - that does not begin to compare to how I'm feeling right now.

I KNOW I should stop worrying about something that will only happen in four odd months time but you know that off switch in your brain?

Non-existent.

See the problem?

I'm looking forward to having a place of my own and actually having a place to dump all my crap instead of in boxes in my folks garage or all my belongings fitting (more or less) into two bags - as is the case whilst I'm here in the UK.

The process to getting there though - that's a whole other story.

The prime decision - picking a city.

It's home or it's my mountain.

My mountain - well it's my mountain. But the city you studied is never the same once you've finished. I'll always love it, and I know I want to settle there - and perhaps that is part of the problem.

Settling.

I'm not ready for that.

Settling aside - everyone I knew there will in all likelihood be gone by time I make my way there.

Home on the other hand - there's a friendship base I can tap in to. And that appeals. A lot.

BUT!

Then again, you cannot make decisions based on other people can you? Because everyone has their own plans. And their own lives to live. And deep down, making a decision based on someone else may just make you resentful in the end - this is the last thing I want to happen.

I realised all this when my best friend got engaged. And I was attempting to plan what next after my compulsory year of working post varsity.

What next turned out to be coming here.

Said friend told me that I should stop stressing. Of course. I know this.

And we all know this is something that's far easier said than actually done.

Said friend told me that it's not all that bad, and it's not necessarily adulthood - which is the way I've been looking at things - imminent adulthood (aaaaaaahhhhh!).

Pretend!

Said friend told me I'm a tough cookie - today was one of those days when I couldn't have felt less like a tough cookie. What with tears practically on tap whilst sitting in an open plan office. Not a very good idea.

The only way to deal with this is to actually just get on with it. Also, actually leave the thinking for when it's truly necessary (with me being an over-thinker extraordinaire I doubt it...)

So, here's to pretend adulthood, or as one of the badges on my bag says:

Sunshine and Blue Skies

Something that is decidedly lacking in the UK -
except, today I was greeted by sunshine and somewhat blue, some what grey skies. So spring/summer may be on its way!

I've been back in the UK for 2 weeks now, after having been home for a sunshine refuel...and honeys - I am brown! For the first time in months :p (not sure how long it will last though).

There really is nothing like the African Sun. And African skies and thunderstorms.


You never truly realise you've missed something until you come across it for the first time in, well in my case, about a year!

Landing at jozi, relatively painless through customs - short wait for my mom - and then seeing her - it's amazing how much one can say with just one simple hug.

A simple one, but a long one. Spoke volumes, much more than I could ever put in words. And the thing is - it's not like a missed my family excessively. I guess, as spoken by the hug - I definitely did miss them.

Then, waking up on my first morning back home to the sounds of doves cooing... I was slightly in awe that I'd actually missed something so simple. It's so common back home that it's one of those things that just wash over you - but not hearing the sounds of doves for a year...

I didn't get to do all I wanted to whilst home (things like no longer having a car severely restricts you!) but the time I spent there was great. A recharge for the last few months ahead.

I've absolutely loved travelling, and of course I will continue to do so - but having the familiar around you is just fantastic.

I FINALLY got to meet up with friends I'd been chatting to online for ages and ages and it was really great. Getting to put people behind the chats and the insightful opinions shared online - it completes the partial picture I had. And I wasn't disappointed.

Great people online, great people in real life :)
(fully aware you all will be reading this - and no, i'm not arse kissing :p)

There's a downside to having gone home though - because in the first week back I was missing it acutely.

I've been travelling by myself - I would do it again in a heart beat (I'm still doing it), but sometimes you do wish you had someone, friends, around.

The next few months is going to be interesting - I've made the decision that I'm going home (what with Home Office being a pain and all about visas, I'm glad I made the decision before the rule changes).

I will have to do more planning in the next bit than I have in the past year! Eek. And no more pretending to be an adult - to the real world and proper responsibilities! One major decision is actually deciding where I want to work - depending of course on the availability of work!

But - there's no real point in worrying about it all now. You all know how the best laid plans tend to unravel when you least want them to, or least expect them to.

I've mentioned all this to friends - one said that I have actually been an adult. Foreign country alone and all.

Uh, yeah.
That's debatable.

I'm aware this is not something for everyone. But doing things alone certainly is not easy a lot of the time. What being alone has done is made me selfish - very. Because I've only had myself to look out for the last year and a bit.

Another friend said that I don't really have to join the 'real world' - which is, I guess, is also true.
Just because I will have to take on responsibilities - like getting a car (number 1 on the list for when I get home!) it doesn't mean that I have to let go of the way I've been. Sure, a few changes about how I approach things...but it ain't all that bad.

Supposedly.

Future me's worries!

For now, I need to start my list of must see places before I leave here - and making sure I have the finances to allow for it all!

Glimpses into the lives of others

On a train, going home from work:

Sitting on the train, headphones in and listening to tunes as is the norm on the journey to and from work. Stop at one station and people get on.

A couple sits down across from me. The girl looks tired. The guy looks concerned. On second glance the girl not only looks tired but ill. This may explain the guy's look of concern. No words are exchanged between the two, and I try not to stare blatantly - trying to figure out what the story may be. Instead I look at them via their reflection in the window - wishing I had my camera to capture this moment of complete humanness.

The girl is sitting with her eyes closed, breathing somewhat heavily - as one does with colds and flus. She holds his hand and rests her head on his shoulder. He, in turn rests his head on hers and holds her hand gently. Oh, so gently.

He turns. Looks at her. Eyes filled with concern. Minutes go by with him watching her and me watching them through the reflection in the window. He sits back in the seat pulls her a little closer and they both sit with their eyes closed.


On a platform, heading towards the exit:

Walking with all the other commuters along the station platform towards the exit. A father, son and daughter walk past me. The father is pulling along a bright pink duffel bag. The daughter is sitting atop the duffel bag and the son walks along the other side.

The little girl looks at her brother and raises her hand - giddy-up horsey!


On the train, stopped at the station and waiting to disembark:

Standing in the aisle, behind everyone wanting to get off. In the seat in front of me a guy is still sitting, typing away furiously on his mobile.

I glance down and take in posture - closed in on himself, sitting in the aisle seat but facing the window with his coat on the window seat. He is typing message after message. It appears that as the number of characters are reached he saves it and types another message.

I zone in on the phone and read the following:

"I've spent most of this journey typing a message you will never get"

My heart breaks silently as I'm standing in the aisle.

That one line I remember. There was more. It was seemed to be addressed to a girl who'd just broken up with him and he didn't understand why.

I get off the train, and shortly after glance back and see him get off with a big black suitcase. First thought - good looking. Second thought - I wonder where he is headed as he is clearly packed and off on a trip somewhere. Or moving.

In both cases he's suffering from a being dumped and my heart goes out to him even though he will never know.

All in a Day's Work

Yep...reminescent of the reader's digest...except this ain't all that funny.

It's been 2 weeks now that I'm here in Derby for work. Sometimes I feel like I've been faking it a little bit. But I guess that's just got to do with having to get back into the swing of actually doing things correctly and thoroughly. And knowing that I will get referrals and my input is important. This is a refreshing difference from last year - but it also means I need to do some bonding with a textbook again:p - which has been happening sporadically...

Getting used to how things work here, where's what, how referrals happen, how to go about ordering what I need etc etc etc - typical start of new job stuff.

One thing I have been stressing about is tube feeding! The last time I did any form of tube feeding was back at varsity - and even then it wasn't the most hands-on experience. Last year really was limited regarding work experience...anyway! Straying off the topic.

So, today, I get my first tube feeding referral. I was like 'Oh help!' Did a student tut last week just as a refresher so of course I know what to do - but a tut vs. actual patient - always 2 very different things. Had other patients to see on the ward - saw them. Spoke to the patient who was to be started on the tube feed. Didn't quite hear all he had to say, 1. he had an oxygen mask on, 2. speaking softly and I still need to get used to the many different accents around here!

Check the doctor's notes, clarify a few points, tell the nurse I'll be back with enteral regimen just need to check a few things with supervisor. Go back to the office, chat to supervisor - discuss what I'd thought of doing. Mostly right - gave alternate options I'd not thought of. Cool.

It's now around lunch...decided to give the regimen before breaking. Back to the ward...go find the doctor to ask about checking some bloods...and then the doctor tells me 'The patient has expired.'

I was like seriously? I mean, I'd spoken to the gentleman not even an hour ago...and checked on him with a nurse like 20/30min previously before I went back to the office. I find a nurse - just to double check - and was told he died 10min ago!

Now, I'm aware that this is not at all funny...but I really could not help the desire to start laughing - at the incredulity of the situation!

And anyway...what doctor speaks of a patient expiring???

Go grab lunch...tell my supervisor patient died. She burst out laughing...so I felt less bad after that. I guess it's just one of those things. She then said at least it was practice - true.

Head back to the ward after lunch - to pick up new referrals - find out that patient died on the commode.

Not a very dignified way to die.

I don't think anyone was expecting this gentleman to die today. The doctors saw him on their ward round and discussed tube feeding with him and everything...but I guess it's all part of the job!

Boys Are Stupid...

I wrote this last year...was seriously annoyed at the time. Since then I've calmed downed...I still think it's true but I have edited the piece, it's all pretty much the same, just a tad more hopeful and less angry and with a few extra bits.

Boys are Stupid, Throw Rocks at Them!

So what is it about the male species of the human race? They seem to have the knack to be complete idiots the majority of the time.

Ok, so occasionally there is that one guy that gets your attention.

And keeps it.

And makes the effort and treats you like the lady you are.

And you fall head over heels in love and live happily ever after…

And if you are in that situation well then, good on you.

But for the vast majority of us guys turn out to be complete and utter dicks! And, as a girlfriend told me the other day, full of shit. Depending on when, guys will be full of different levels of shit.

I’m not talking about those pigs disguised as men who insist on wolf whistling and making comments that make my blood boil. They’re a whole different saga all together.

No, I’m talking about the seemingly decent ones. The ones who show interest and you’re interested too, but alas…

These guys may be a number of things. One or all, or any combination of the following:

A guy may be a complete loser (in one form or another) once you get to know him a little better. He just does not do what he intends to do – or rather says he will do. All he does is build expectations and allow them to fall as flat as a soufflé taken out too soon!

A guy may be in a situation that baffles you completely. You have no idea how he managed to tie himself in such a knot, and he lacks the courtesy to let you know that he is in a difficult point in his life. He drags you along, and then it all comes spilling out. By the time he’s decided a ‘confession’ is due you are so over it that you no longer give a shit.

The guy may be incapable of separating different aspects of his life. Admittedly, there comes a time when romance, personal and work related issues cannot be separated. But, before this point, there is still narrow gap whereby the guy can extend the courtesy of letting you know that he would rather not be with you – without having to go into the gory details of his problems.

Because, in the beginning – what is there? Usually just a mutual attraction - whereby you are still testing the waters. And it will be no real loss if he lets you know that he’s not interested. Yet, he doesn’t. Then all the problems come spilling out. Do you really care? You might understand, but do you really care? It is not as though you are in some long term relationship, or any sort of relationship is it? You have not reached the point where a problem shared is a problem halved.

The guy may seem interested yet he still goes around being a player.

In your presence…. (This person also falls under the category of loser). So here guys may argue that you are not in a relationship so it is of no real consequence what he does as you are not officially together. True as this argument might be, it is not a legitimate excuse. If, since you are not in a relationship, and he wants to continue seeing other women then he should at least have the decency to do so when you are not around.

Alternatively the guy starts acting strangely. Now this particular scenario is my area of expertise as it keeps happening! You wonder (and over-think about it all) – is it me? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? Now, usually it has absolutely nothing to do with you at all, but you are not to know this since he becomes a selective mute. Or, else you find out – via the grapevine – that he is in a relationship. Ok, it’s commendable that he is true to his girl, but why get into a potentially sticky situation in the first place? Why not be upfront about it and save a girl some grief?

Or it may just be as simple as him being a jackass - every single last member of the male species of the human race!

Finding a good guy is like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack.

Maybe a way around sifting through guys and saving yourself from potential heartache is to question them. Before you even start thinking that maybe this can go somewhere, whether it is a fling or a steady relationship you’re looking for. Before you think ‘Maybe I can let go and show some interest and see where this goes…’

From my experience, I would say the following questions may be of some use (situation dependent of course!)

- Are you married/ engaged/ in a relationship?

This question is pretty self explanatory I’d say. You should either be number one or not at all. There will be no bread buttering on both sides! There will be no proverbial having of cake and eating it!

- Is there any offspring running around (even potentially)?

Because – even though he may not be in a relationship – you really do need to be aware whether or not there’ll be potential drama in the future from his baby’s momma! This is a pretty big deal. You will have to wrap your head around the fact that your Mr. Right (Mr Right for now) has had children by someone else…and decide whether or not it’s something you can handle!

- Are there any issues that may just suck me in?

Yes, everyone has their issues - varying degrees of issues. Of course, these hardly ever come up early on because it’s not something that is readily discussed but there are times when a girl needs to know what she’s letting herself get into. It is then up to you whether or not you want to stick around and deal with it or cut your losses and run. Because if you want to cut and run it was not meant to be and would it not be better for him to find this out sooner rather than later?

- Are you solvent?

There’s no need to be filthy rich, but a man with too much debt who may be bumming off you for goodness knows how long? No thank you!

These are things a girl needs to think about. Maybe not all in the beginning of whatever but they are important. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. And it is issues such as these that can make or break something. Yes, yes there are a whole lot of other things to consider as well when it comes to relationships…. I know it is not all black and white when it comes to relationships but sometimes, sometimes I wish it were.

Of course, there is the other option.

He’s just not that into you!

But to chicken to tell you because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings so he ends up stringing you along … and hurts your feelings anyway.

GRR!

This to me is the worst! I really don’t understand why guys can’t just be upfront from the start. Why is there this need to protect you – especially when he knows full well that in the end he’ll break your heart anyway! This is even more pertinent if you’re the type of girl who gets attached very quickly. If you are part of the group who doesn’t get attached quickly – the type of girl who needs to warm up to a guy and let him in bit by bit – even then you can still end up a little heart sore, a little less inclined to believe the truly honest, well meaning guy who (eventually!) comes your way!

Because, despite men being total idiots a lot of the time, and despite it seeming as though you’re always hooking up with someone who should be nominated for Asshole of the Year and flagged on a website of who not to date and to stay a hundred miles away from…despite all of this, I still believe that good guys exist.

He is out there – waiting to bump into YOU, to be YOUR knight in shining armour, to be the one who makes it all fine when your world seems to be crumbling down around you, to be one who will love you unconditionally, to be the one who will hold you when you need him to and give you space when required. He is out there – willing to take you as you are – imperfect and temperamental.

And, even though you know you don’t need a man to complete you – there is that guy out there who’ll make life – the potholed, smooth, melancholic, joyous, tedious, exhilarating journey that it is – worthwhile!

Maybe I’m just a romantic at heart (albeit a disillusioned one).

Maybe I’m still just too inexperienced and naive.

So until the day I’m swept off my feet by the one who truly deserves me - Here’s a toast to singledom!

thnx to David & Goliath T-shirt company...inspiration for the title:p