A mountain out of a molehill?

Today's been one of those days.

Feeling out of sorts.

I was chatting to a friend about my imminent return home and I tell you - it's stressing me out. I didn't realise to what degree until I'd actually verbalised it. So clearly my subconscious must be working over time (again! *sigh*)

People are forever commenting about how small I am, becomes quite a drag really - but for someone who's so 'dinky' - most recent description - I think an awful lot.

I'm happy with my decision to return home, and I am looking forward to it. In the same breath, there are so many decision to be made before I actually get there.

I've been travelling alone -there've been off days and lonely times but overall it's been fantastic.

Before embarking on my travels I've not really been engaged in anything permanent.

Being a student - one of the least permanent things.
Travelling - same thing.

A gypsy is something else I've been called - I don't feel like one, but I certainly have been nomadic.

The permanence of my decision to head home is freaking me out. The responsibilities that will go along with all of this. I don't feel ready for it.

Starting from scratch - to say it's a daunting task looming on the horizon will be an understatement.

My friend told that it's exciting - I conceded that it may be, but that this doesn't make it any less scary.

Coming overseas, to a foreign, alone was a less frightening experience! And I think that says a lot.

I remember before heading to the UK that I was starting to doubt my decision - I refused to voice these doubts to anyone because I was not about to be talked out of my decision - that does not begin to compare to how I'm feeling right now.

I KNOW I should stop worrying about something that will only happen in four odd months time but you know that off switch in your brain?

Non-existent.

See the problem?

I'm looking forward to having a place of my own and actually having a place to dump all my crap instead of in boxes in my folks garage or all my belongings fitting (more or less) into two bags - as is the case whilst I'm here in the UK.

The process to getting there though - that's a whole other story.

The prime decision - picking a city.

It's home or it's my mountain.

My mountain - well it's my mountain. But the city you studied is never the same once you've finished. I'll always love it, and I know I want to settle there - and perhaps that is part of the problem.

Settling.

I'm not ready for that.

Settling aside - everyone I knew there will in all likelihood be gone by time I make my way there.

Home on the other hand - there's a friendship base I can tap in to. And that appeals. A lot.

BUT!

Then again, you cannot make decisions based on other people can you? Because everyone has their own plans. And their own lives to live. And deep down, making a decision based on someone else may just make you resentful in the end - this is the last thing I want to happen.

I realised all this when my best friend got engaged. And I was attempting to plan what next after my compulsory year of working post varsity.

What next turned out to be coming here.

Said friend told me that I should stop stressing. Of course. I know this.

And we all know this is something that's far easier said than actually done.

Said friend told me that it's not all that bad, and it's not necessarily adulthood - which is the way I've been looking at things - imminent adulthood (aaaaaaahhhhh!).

Pretend!

Said friend told me I'm a tough cookie - today was one of those days when I couldn't have felt less like a tough cookie. What with tears practically on tap whilst sitting in an open plan office. Not a very good idea.

The only way to deal with this is to actually just get on with it. Also, actually leave the thinking for when it's truly necessary (with me being an over-thinker extraordinaire I doubt it...)

So, here's to pretend adulthood, or as one of the badges on my bag says: