Bravery by any other name

Bravery by any other name = stupidity.

End of story.
No two ways about it!

So - I've set aside a year or so to work and travel. Getting valuable experience and getting to see a small part of the globe in the process.

I've embarked on this journey on my lonesome. I read an article in some magazine couple weeks ago about how travelling in groups is such a big pain. But the one thing worse is travelling alone. I wasn't particularly happy at the time and reading that was like guaranteed to cause an added slump to an already down and out mood.

Haven't done much travelling yet - been doing the work part to get money to do the travel part. And every time I tell somebody what it is I'm doing the inevitable 'you're so brave, I'd never be able to do it' follows.

And? Your point is what exactly?

Leaving behind your support system, going to a foreign place - alone - is overwhelming!

I can assure you that is an understatment.

I may appear to be coping but am I really? If I don't get on and do things it'll never get done. I strive for perfection as far as possible and don't like feeling chaotic, unorganised and all over the place...i.e. the way I've been feeling for most of this week.

Add crappy accommodation and you can be certain this week has not been the best. The sun was shining for most - that was the one bonus!

I'm not going to lie and say I haven't found it difficult. Geez - it's one of the most difficult things I've done to date. My benchmark is still my community service year - which I survived in more or less one piece. But the past few months, have in some ways been easier and in others been more difficult when compared to comm.serve.

Seriously - what insane person traipses across the globe - very very very far away from home on her own - knowing! she doesn't do the whole make friends easily thing?

It's not even that I miss my family all that much - I've been out the house a good few years already. But add a foreign place, not knowing how things work, where to find things (the list is practically never-ending) and I can't help but feel off kilter and desperately wanting to be somewhere familiar where I know how things work! (and ideally have mommy dearest to run to for advice! because I can't tell my parents the whole truth can I? It's not like they can do anything to make it better from across the globe. All that will happen is a few words of encouragment and then extra worry on their end about the fact that they can't do a thing to make it better!)

So - I could always get on a plane back home.
BUT I can't.
Or rather I won't. Not yet.
Not until I've given things a proper go.

People who call me brave don't know the underlying feeling of idiocy I have on a fairly regular basis.

If nothing else (although it's already been a whole lot more) I have learned that I need space. And sunshine.

And that I can go to a strange place where I've never been before and get around and find what I need (map in hand of course!).

I've also realised there is no certainty about anything. Ambivalence has featured strongly. Happy on the one hand, sad on the other - about the same thing!

It sometimes feels as though I don't know what it is I want. And I'm sure from the outside people will think WTF? What is she on about, she has it good. She's getting to travel blah blah blah, fill in the blanks as you wish.

This time round I think I've done quite well. Naaaaish shared apartment for the next two months in the city centre. Found within a week of coming to a new city (mostly because of aforementioned crappy accommodation). Also, after having one day of been shown 'here are things' ; on day two expecting to take on full case load - scarce proper induction! - a feeling of complete inadequacy on day three (with a mini melt-down) and by day four and five feeling a little more in control and on top of things (en nie meer soos 'n afkop hoender nie!) - I deserve a congrats. You've survived week one!

One thing I do know is that despite too many, sometimes conflicting emotions, I do not regret making this decision.