Right now...

Right now...

I'm sitting here and wondering what to do.

What happens next?

I don't know.

Although it's still a few months it's time to come up with a plan of some sort. And I don't have one. It's not really panic inducing...yet...but it's not something I really want to think about either.

Right now...

I'm wondering about happiness.

Are we ever truly ever happy? Or perhaps contentment is better term.

Happiness is possibly a fluid concept - what may make me happy won't make another happy.

For people looking in at another's life - they may wonder what is this person complaining about - they have so much to be grateful for and happy about...but...these people don't know what lurks beneath the surface.

Right now...

I'm wishing I didn't have to do what I have to do.

I'm not enjoying. I'm going through the motions.

This is never a good thing.

Right now...

I'm wondering whether I am happy.

I'm not sad. I'm not upset about anything in particular... but does this make me happy?

Right now...

I wonder how long this state of being will last.

Sure, it's partly self-inflicted.

But I'm tired. Oh, so tired of the way things are.

Wishing it were different would make me seem ungrateful. Which, I'm not.

But...

There's always a but right?

But things have got to be better than this. This can't last a lifetime - because I won't be able to hold out that long.

I don't want to wish my life way...but I don't want it to continue this way either.

Yes, I've made decisions. These decisions I don't regret. I'd make them again.

I try not to live by regrets - so I go out and do things anyway.
Just, sometimes, I wish there were someone to share these moments with.

So if it's such a problem - why not make the change necessary?

The obvious follow-on.

The obvious reply.

It's easier said than done.

I've tried. Perhaps not hard enough. Perhaps I should try harder...but it's just so much easier keeping me to myself than attempting to make the effort when you know it's only for the shortest time and you'll be off and never see whoever it is again.

The wrong attitude. Perhaps.
Change it you say...
How I ask.

Right now...

I wonder whether what's happened has made me the way I am.

Right now...

I'm a little homesick.

But.

I know as soon as I'm there I'm going to want to go again. I guess I just need a bit of home-recharging.

I wonder whether being at home will change this partially self-inflicted problem...

But then, deep down I know what the answer is.

It's a simple no.

Where I find myself is not the problem. It's the circumstances surrounding being somewhere.

Right now...

I'm filled with the most contradictory emotions.

Ambiguity has become my near constant companion. I don't like it much, but I've made peace with fact that this is how matters will be.

I'm out in the sticks, but I'm wishing I were somewhere even more remote.
Just me, the open skies and nature before me.

No claustrophobic walls and windows that don't let in enough light and don't open wide enough to let in enough air...forget about hanging your head out the window and enjoying the view (albeit whilst freezing in the process).

Right now...

I guess I'm in a bit of funk.

Right now...

I think that
I say too much.
I say too little.
I say nothing at all.

Right now...

it's probably a good idea to end this rambling.